If I had my way, my wedding would have been WAY different. Pretty sure it would have gone down as the greatest wedding of all time. Doubt me? Let me walk you through it...
If I had my way, it would have been on an abandoned airfield. The seats would have been facing a picturesque waterfront background. My groomsmen would show up riding all black motorcycles. They would park them off to the side. Moments later a plane would fly over, causing everyone seated to look up. There they would see me parachuting towards the ceremony. I land, get rid of the arachute and take my place next to the pastor and my groomsmen. The bridesmaids..who cares? All you need to know is that they show up. Now its time for the bride.
This is where it gets good. Off in the distance you hear what sounds like car engines and gunfire. Turning in your chair, you would have been witness to a '67 mustang being pursued by 3 black sedans. The mustang is swerving to avoid gunfire and rocket launches. Through Bond like gadgetry, the mustang leaves an oil slick, causing the sedans to flip and explode. Then the mustang power slides, and out of the car steps Wifey rocking the white leather catsuit. We stand at the altar and when the pastor says the part about speaking now or forever holding your peace, our villain stands up. He's sitting in the crowd! And he's not alone... he brought ninjas. So now the bridal party is fighting bad guys. After they are defeated, the pastor pronounces us husband and wife, wifey and I kiss, and then explosions.
Tell me that wouldn't be the best wedding ever! It wouldd have put that wedding where people were dancing to Chris Brown to shame. I almost had it too, but Wifey couldn't figure out what flower package worked best. But oh what could've been...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Pretend Soldiers
Its raining and I'm in a bunker accompanied on either side by my comrades in arms, Leftie and Righty. My two companinions are wondering if the coast is clear, impatiently wanting to advance our position. The guy to my right pops up to look, only to be hurriedly chased back to cover by several shots aimed in his direction. All over the field you hear what sounds like firecrackers being exploded.
Leftie says, "I'm tired of waiting! I'm going for it!" And charges out from behind the bunker. Just as suddenly shots ring out. Righty and I exchange glances, each of us thinking the same thing... that Leftie is no more. Righty then makes a series of complex hand motions telling me that he's going right to draw their fire, and that I should wait a two count and peel left. Hopefully while they are following him I can move undetected. We give each other a knuckle bump for luck and the he goes. I wait my two seconds, and spin out to the left, gun trained looking for hostiles. Shots whizz past me, but I remain focused. I see two hostiles and with two quick taps on the trigger, both are eliminated. I am almost to my objective when I feel something hit my shoulder. And just after my head is knocked back as something hits me in the head.
I hear a whistle blow, and the referee screams, "Dead man walking, let him out!" I turn and slowly head back to my dead box, having just been destroyed by paintballs. I hear several of my teammates say, "aww man! HE'S out!"
This was me on Saturday. Pretending to play soldier with about 45 strangers. For it being my first time, I didn't know what to expect, but I had a blast. If you don't mind a little pain(getting hit with paintballs kinda hurts) I hightly recommend it. Although it helps to be short, or limber. (My two kryptonites.) its a great way for grown ups to play army men all over again.
Leftie says, "I'm tired of waiting! I'm going for it!" And charges out from behind the bunker. Just as suddenly shots ring out. Righty and I exchange glances, each of us thinking the same thing... that Leftie is no more. Righty then makes a series of complex hand motions telling me that he's going right to draw their fire, and that I should wait a two count and peel left. Hopefully while they are following him I can move undetected. We give each other a knuckle bump for luck and the he goes. I wait my two seconds, and spin out to the left, gun trained looking for hostiles. Shots whizz past me, but I remain focused. I see two hostiles and with two quick taps on the trigger, both are eliminated. I am almost to my objective when I feel something hit my shoulder. And just after my head is knocked back as something hits me in the head.
I hear a whistle blow, and the referee screams, "Dead man walking, let him out!" I turn and slowly head back to my dead box, having just been destroyed by paintballs. I hear several of my teammates say, "aww man! HE'S out!"
This was me on Saturday. Pretending to play soldier with about 45 strangers. For it being my first time, I didn't know what to expect, but I had a blast. If you don't mind a little pain(getting hit with paintballs kinda hurts) I hightly recommend it. Although it helps to be short, or limber. (My two kryptonites.) its a great way for grown ups to play army men all over again.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How I Got Married... Part 1
Hi, remember me? I'm the guy who used to update this thing sporadically before I basically disappeared. I apologize for that, but in my defense I have been kinda busy. Let's see.. I got married. That was awesome, but not as awesome as the whole getting to the actual ceremony. Its a pretty epic story if I do say so myself. I'm gonna tell it so pay attention.
The week before The Wife and I were supposed to get hitched, I switched jobs. And they weere flying out to Orlando to meet the team I was working with. So that meant I iwas flying out too. Wifey was not pleased as we had already made travel arraingements but finally relented. So what was supposed to be a simple San Jose to Maui flight turned into a complex four plane chain. But due to general idiocracy that mutated into a 36 hour, 7 flight catastrophe. I'm going to try some thing here. I will list the three time zones that are crucial to this story... east coast time, pacific time, and hawaiian time. so 5pm est is 2pm pst and is also 11am ht.
Hopefully this makes sense.
Thursday-2pm EST/11am PST/8am HT: I arrive at the Orlando airport, check in, and find out my plane is delayed an hour. "No big deal" I thought, as my plane to vegas from SFO didn't leave until 10pm PST. So I hunkered down in a seat and take advantage of the free internet at the airport.
Thursday-5pm EST/2pm PST/11am HT: Still at the Orlando airport. Now nervous due to the fact that my plane was suppsed to leave 20 minutes ago. Was worried about missing my Vegas flight but found out the the weather in the bay area was bad and all flights were affected. I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I had a 1am flight from vegas to honolulu. And I didn't care what old lady I had to heisman I was making that flight.
Thursday-7pm EST/5pm PST/2pm HT: On a flight to LAX. Because the weather sucked so bad, I, with the help of my new boss, got a flight from LAX to vegas that would let me get that overnighter to vegas. So as the door closes I relax knowing I'm gonna make it.
Thursday-12am EST/10pm PST/7 HT: Landed in los angeles. Ran across the airport. Hurdled a guy who had bent over to tie his shoe. Heismaned an old lady. Did a spin move on a mom and her stroller. Get all the way up to the counter to hear, "Sorry sir, that flight's been overbooked. Since you didn't check in, you have no seat." What?! Apparently overbooking is quite common, and since I was on a plane with no internet access I couldn't check in. So guess what flight I missed? I told the lady my situation, pleaded with them, even asked if I could go fight the person for my seat.(they said no). They apologized, gave me the number to hawaiian airlines, and wished me both luck and congrats. Defeated, I walked from the counter and sat down. Now the next thing on the list was to call Wifey.
TO BE CONTINUED....
The week before The Wife and I were supposed to get hitched, I switched jobs. And they weere flying out to Orlando to meet the team I was working with. So that meant I iwas flying out too. Wifey was not pleased as we had already made travel arraingements but finally relented. So what was supposed to be a simple San Jose to Maui flight turned into a complex four plane chain. But due to general idiocracy that mutated into a 36 hour, 7 flight catastrophe. I'm going to try some thing here. I will list the three time zones that are crucial to this story... east coast time, pacific time, and hawaiian time. so 5pm est is 2pm pst and is also 11am ht.
Hopefully this makes sense.
Thursday-2pm EST/11am PST/8am HT: I arrive at the Orlando airport, check in, and find out my plane is delayed an hour. "No big deal" I thought, as my plane to vegas from SFO didn't leave until 10pm PST. So I hunkered down in a seat and take advantage of the free internet at the airport.
Thursday-5pm EST/2pm PST/11am HT: Still at the Orlando airport. Now nervous due to the fact that my plane was suppsed to leave 20 minutes ago. Was worried about missing my Vegas flight but found out the the weather in the bay area was bad and all flights were affected. I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I had a 1am flight from vegas to honolulu. And I didn't care what old lady I had to heisman I was making that flight.
Thursday-7pm EST/5pm PST/2pm HT: On a flight to LAX. Because the weather sucked so bad, I, with the help of my new boss, got a flight from LAX to vegas that would let me get that overnighter to vegas. So as the door closes I relax knowing I'm gonna make it.
Thursday-12am EST/10pm PST/7 HT: Landed in los angeles. Ran across the airport. Hurdled a guy who had bent over to tie his shoe. Heismaned an old lady. Did a spin move on a mom and her stroller. Get all the way up to the counter to hear, "Sorry sir, that flight's been overbooked. Since you didn't check in, you have no seat." What?! Apparently overbooking is quite common, and since I was on a plane with no internet access I couldn't check in. So guess what flight I missed? I told the lady my situation, pleaded with them, even asked if I could go fight the person for my seat.(they said no). They apologized, gave me the number to hawaiian airlines, and wished me both luck and congrats. Defeated, I walked from the counter and sat down. Now the next thing on the list was to call Wifey.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Monday, February 7, 2011
They Got The Wrong Guy!!!
I have mentioned before that I have an unusual family. We have odd rituals and games we play. I've mentioned our throat chop assassin game, where we go to great lengths to pretend to chop each other in the neck for amusement. But as fun as that is, nothing comes close to the fun we have at restaurants. We have a tendency to pull knives on each other. We play like spoons, where the last person to pick up pays. I've often remarked that it isn't a meal until someone gets a knife pulled on them. Spill a drink and you will get saluted. But by far, our favorite game is the birthday game. Where you randomly pick someone to have a birthday.
Showbiz, PK and I went to Chevys on Sunday to enjoy an afternoon out. PK was running late, so Biz and I got there early. While she and I were sitting there, my dad called asking where we were. So my sister and my dad had a conversation, and I sat there destroying the chips and salsa. I hear, "No dad we don't know anyone here anymore." and the she hung up. Then PK joined us and we ate our meal.
As we were finishing up, out of the corner of my eye I see a birthday sombrero come flying out of nowhere and land on PK's head. And as the servers sing happy birthday, Showbiz and I sit there bewildered, each of us going, "Did you set this up? Because I didn't..." after the singing concluded, the hostess says, "Your dad called, and told us it was your birthday!" Which would be all good, except my dad lives in hawaii.
Hilarity ensues as in between fits of laughter, Showbiz and I proceed to tell her that it isn't PK's birthday(that's in April). My dad, from Maui, called in a birthday airstrike to get me,(my birthday was last Thursday), and they got PK instead. To be fair, when my dad called, PK wasn't there and it was the hostess'fault, but that didn't make it any less funny. To make matters worse, the more we laughed the angrier PK became, and the angrier he became the funnier it got. It didn't help that Showbiz and I immediately went to the phones taking pictures and sending texts. My sister called my dad to explain the situation. He talked to all of us, we hung up. To top it all off, random strangers were stopping by the table to wish PK a happy birthday, or to say the whole event made their day.
I tell you this story to let you know you are not safe whenever you roll out with the Williams family. And don't think you can pre-emptively get us... that's only been tried once and it didn't go well for the other team. So eat with us at your own risk...
Showbiz, PK and I went to Chevys on Sunday to enjoy an afternoon out. PK was running late, so Biz and I got there early. While she and I were sitting there, my dad called asking where we were. So my sister and my dad had a conversation, and I sat there destroying the chips and salsa. I hear, "No dad we don't know anyone here anymore." and the she hung up. Then PK joined us and we ate our meal.
As we were finishing up, out of the corner of my eye I see a birthday sombrero come flying out of nowhere and land on PK's head. And as the servers sing happy birthday, Showbiz and I sit there bewildered, each of us going, "Did you set this up? Because I didn't..." after the singing concluded, the hostess says, "Your dad called, and told us it was your birthday!" Which would be all good, except my dad lives in hawaii.
Hilarity ensues as in between fits of laughter, Showbiz and I proceed to tell her that it isn't PK's birthday(that's in April). My dad, from Maui, called in a birthday airstrike to get me,(my birthday was last Thursday), and they got PK instead. To be fair, when my dad called, PK wasn't there and it was the hostess'fault, but that didn't make it any less funny. To make matters worse, the more we laughed the angrier PK became, and the angrier he became the funnier it got. It didn't help that Showbiz and I immediately went to the phones taking pictures and sending texts. My sister called my dad to explain the situation. He talked to all of us, we hung up. To top it all off, random strangers were stopping by the table to wish PK a happy birthday, or to say the whole event made their day.
I tell you this story to let you know you are not safe whenever you roll out with the Williams family. And don't think you can pre-emptively get us... that's only been tried once and it didn't go well for the other team. So eat with us at your own risk...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
100 + 31 + 2 = Bobby Appreciates You Day
Happy blog #100! Happy 2 year blogiversary! Happy Birthday to me! Oh man... all I can say is someone lost a LOT of money. (Told you I'd live this long mom!) I had something super awesome planned for this particular blog, but I gotta save it.
What is it about birthdays? That feeling that you are invinceable. That you are the most important person on earth, that all is right and you can't lose. Its a happy pill that gives you warm fuzzy feelings for 24 hours. For example, while on the train today I got a call from my mom and dad who threatened to sing happy birthday to me. I tried to counter with a bluff to put them on speaker phone. I failed to remember that as old people, they aren't worried about looking cool. And not only that they pointed out that my propsed action would actually do me more harm than them. We laughed and parted ways but the warm feeling has stayed.
I'm thankful for that, and the people who came out the woodwork to call, text or blow me up on facebook. But I am also thankful for the people who take time out of their day to read this blog. I wish you receive the feeling of a having a month of birthdays. Now if you will excuse me I gotta go do the birthday dance.
What is it about birthdays? That feeling that you are invinceable. That you are the most important person on earth, that all is right and you can't lose. Its a happy pill that gives you warm fuzzy feelings for 24 hours. For example, while on the train today I got a call from my mom and dad who threatened to sing happy birthday to me. I tried to counter with a bluff to put them on speaker phone. I failed to remember that as old people, they aren't worried about looking cool. And not only that they pointed out that my propsed action would actually do me more harm than them. We laughed and parted ways but the warm feeling has stayed.
I'm thankful for that, and the people who came out the woodwork to call, text or blow me up on facebook. But I am also thankful for the people who take time out of their day to read this blog. I wish you receive the feeling of a having a month of birthdays. Now if you will excuse me I gotta go do the birthday dance.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I Blame You, Zach Effron!
Its post #99! Holy smack, where did the time go? not only that, but next Thursday, which also happens to be my birthday will be the two year anniversary of this completely random collection of thoughts. More introspective thoughts later... on to the blog.
Does anyone know what happened to cartoons? Like where did they go? When I was a kid cartoons were all over the place. You could blindly point to any channel listed in the TV guide(where did that go also) at any time of the day and find cartoons. Now I look through the guide on my dvr and see nothing but stupid tween shows. Nickelodeon has been overrun by iCarly, and 75 other shows just like it. Its an epidemic that has gotten so bad, cartoon network doesn't show cartoons anymore. (Moment of silence please) as if I needed another reminder that I was old.
Stupid high school musical came along and messed everything up. Now I can't even enjoy cartoons. Or or grown up tv for that matter, because glee has come along and melted everyone's brains. Hey glee groupies... go watch cop rock. See what's in store for your hip new show. (Let's be careful out there, best cop rock song ever. I dare you to challenge me on this.)
Sounding bitter I know. But tv used to be awesome until you yuppies took over. So I've said my piece and now I'm leaving. But know when all these peeps end up pushing 40 or in rehab, Hollywood will have no choice but to turn tv back over to the nerds. And please believe my people are ready.
Does anyone know what happened to cartoons? Like where did they go? When I was a kid cartoons were all over the place. You could blindly point to any channel listed in the TV guide(where did that go also) at any time of the day and find cartoons. Now I look through the guide on my dvr and see nothing but stupid tween shows. Nickelodeon has been overrun by iCarly, and 75 other shows just like it. Its an epidemic that has gotten so bad, cartoon network doesn't show cartoons anymore. (Moment of silence please) as if I needed another reminder that I was old.
Stupid high school musical came along and messed everything up. Now I can't even enjoy cartoons. Or or grown up tv for that matter, because glee has come along and melted everyone's brains. Hey glee groupies... go watch cop rock. See what's in store for your hip new show. (Let's be careful out there, best cop rock song ever. I dare you to challenge me on this.)
Sounding bitter I know. But tv used to be awesome until you yuppies took over. So I've said my piece and now I'm leaving. But know when all these peeps end up pushing 40 or in rehab, Hollywood will have no choice but to turn tv back over to the nerds. And please believe my people are ready.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Dirk Dastardly Approves This Message
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and sportsmanship... know what they have in common? They don't exist. Each one, a mythical fairy tale designed to make kids feel good. I know I'm sounding like a crazy person, but bear with me. I have a plan. We just may have to take some ikea-like "shortcuts" to get there.
As many of you know I have coached/played basketball for many years. And one thing I've always hated is once the game is over, you gotta huddle up and say "good game whoever" and line up to go and shake the other teams hand and say "good game". Its cool if the game was actually a good one, but what if you get beat by 30? There is nothing worse than having to shake someones hand when you REALLY don't want to. And the winning team says good game, but what they all are thinking is, "Yo... you should have just forfeited and saved us all two hours."
And don't even get me started on adult life. I have seen very few instances where the guy who exhibits all those traits he learned playing little league actually get ahead. Usually its the guy who is willing to sell his moms kidneys that wins. I've seen now more than ever, you have to be willing to do what the other guy won't.
You're like, "Bobby that's so awful! What will you tell your children?" To cheat, but do it respectfully. It won't be full on cheating, just the exploitation of loopholes within the rules of the game. I will tell them that I only know of one guy who could Doright and win... and his name was Dudley. (Give it a few minutes.... and there you go.) I've taught other peoples kids to cheat, just as I have taught them to ambush and terrorize. So don't be surprised if in about ten years, a little Williams kid is hand checking in rec league, with me as proud as a peacock. You have been warned.
As many of you know I have coached/played basketball for many years. And one thing I've always hated is once the game is over, you gotta huddle up and say "good game whoever" and line up to go and shake the other teams hand and say "good game". Its cool if the game was actually a good one, but what if you get beat by 30? There is nothing worse than having to shake someones hand when you REALLY don't want to. And the winning team says good game, but what they all are thinking is, "Yo... you should have just forfeited and saved us all two hours."
And don't even get me started on adult life. I have seen very few instances where the guy who exhibits all those traits he learned playing little league actually get ahead. Usually its the guy who is willing to sell his moms kidneys that wins. I've seen now more than ever, you have to be willing to do what the other guy won't.
You're like, "Bobby that's so awful! What will you tell your children?" To cheat, but do it respectfully. It won't be full on cheating, just the exploitation of loopholes within the rules of the game. I will tell them that I only know of one guy who could Doright and win... and his name was Dudley. (Give it a few minutes.... and there you go.) I've taught other peoples kids to cheat, just as I have taught them to ambush and terrorize. So don't be surprised if in about ten years, a little Williams kid is hand checking in rec league, with me as proud as a peacock. You have been warned.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
You're Our Only Hope....
I was in the bathroom getting ready for work when I realized that I will never save the world. (Profound, I know.) But I say this not because I physically couldn't do it, but because I do not posses any of the skills that are required. Like there are way more qualified dudes to do the job.
Like even if you tried to hollywood it up, it would be the worst movie ever. Couldn't you see it? "This summer... Our only hope lies with a guy who really wants to be a pirate." And then there would be a bunch of clips of me running from ninjas, running from bullets, and running from explosions. And maybe one where I cry because I get punched in the nose... you know just to show my sensitive side for the ladies.(I smell Oscar.)
I know its a bad idea to say never, but its fairly safe to assume that if the world were ever in peril, the president is not sending a chopper to pick me up from work. No 5 star general is gonna hand me a thick file in the back of a limo, and then later salute me as I halo jump out of a plane into enemy territory. Nor will my ability to be kinda good at jeopardy ever come in handy when aliens come to obliterate our species.
Side tangent: has anyone ever noticed that aliens always destroy earth? Like I'm no expert, but I'd like to think they could just shoot rays that cause our brains to melt. Like you can travel across the galaxy, but you can't develop a brain scrambler? (Sorry.. I'll focus.)
So sorry guys... if you're looking for a world saver, I'm not your guy. But I do know jack bauer is free. You should call him.
Like even if you tried to hollywood it up, it would be the worst movie ever. Couldn't you see it? "This summer... Our only hope lies with a guy who really wants to be a pirate." And then there would be a bunch of clips of me running from ninjas, running from bullets, and running from explosions. And maybe one where I cry because I get punched in the nose... you know just to show my sensitive side for the ladies.(I smell Oscar.)
I know its a bad idea to say never, but its fairly safe to assume that if the world were ever in peril, the president is not sending a chopper to pick me up from work. No 5 star general is gonna hand me a thick file in the back of a limo, and then later salute me as I halo jump out of a plane into enemy territory. Nor will my ability to be kinda good at jeopardy ever come in handy when aliens come to obliterate our species.
Side tangent: has anyone ever noticed that aliens always destroy earth? Like I'm no expert, but I'd like to think they could just shoot rays that cause our brains to melt. Like you can travel across the galaxy, but you can't develop a brain scrambler? (Sorry.. I'll focus.)
So sorry guys... if you're looking for a world saver, I'm not your guy. But I do know jack bauer is free. You should call him.
Monday, January 3, 2011
December 21st, 2010.... (aka- Another Reason to Believe)
I sat there, illuminated for a few moments before everything went black again. The rain was hitting my roof and the radio was playing a song, but it all sounded like white noise; a buzzing sound that was a million miles away. I sat there taking stock, making sure that everything was in order. It all happened so fast I couldn't prevent it, but I can tell you this... I should have died.
With hands shaking due to adrenaline, I tried to open the driver's side door. But damage to the car prevented me from doing so. I unhooked my seat and climbed across to the passenger seat. The rain started to come down harder as I stood there in disbelief. It was only after exiting did I realize how fortunate I was. My car, which not five minutes earlier had lost traction, spun out across all 4 lanes of the freeway and then hit the embankment, lay perpendicular and extending into the right lane. It was a sight, with 3 exploded tires and a missing bumper. Standing up the road, I started to figure out who to call. But remembered I left my phone at home. (What can I say? When I do near death experiences, I go all out.)
I couldn't believe it. Not after it took 20 minutes for a good samaritan to help. Not after the highway patrol came and administered a field sobriety test, not even after calling Future Wife for a ride, a towtruck, and getting home at midnight. I still don't believe it.
What ifs immediately started coming and continue to this day. I just examine how if the tiniest of details had been different, such as other cars behind me, not wearing a seat belt, or being on an elevated overpass. Anything gets changed, and I might not be here now. It can only be described as a miracle. I should have died, but by the grace of God I didn't.
With hands shaking due to adrenaline, I tried to open the driver's side door. But damage to the car prevented me from doing so. I unhooked my seat and climbed across to the passenger seat. The rain started to come down harder as I stood there in disbelief. It was only after exiting did I realize how fortunate I was. My car, which not five minutes earlier had lost traction, spun out across all 4 lanes of the freeway and then hit the embankment, lay perpendicular and extending into the right lane. It was a sight, with 3 exploded tires and a missing bumper. Standing up the road, I started to figure out who to call. But remembered I left my phone at home. (What can I say? When I do near death experiences, I go all out.)
I couldn't believe it. Not after it took 20 minutes for a good samaritan to help. Not after the highway patrol came and administered a field sobriety test, not even after calling Future Wife for a ride, a towtruck, and getting home at midnight. I still don't believe it.
What ifs immediately started coming and continue to this day. I just examine how if the tiniest of details had been different, such as other cars behind me, not wearing a seat belt, or being on an elevated overpass. Anything gets changed, and I might not be here now. It can only be described as a miracle. I should have died, but by the grace of God I didn't.
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