5 Simple Rules for Movie Going

I went to the movies last night with the girlfriend, and I gotta say that going to the movies is more of a hassle now than ever before.  People these days need a reminder as to movie theater etiquette. So I'm gonna create a list of things you should not do while in a movie theater.

1. Turn off your cell phones, and then keep them off no matter what. I'm tired of you sending/ receiving five bajillion text messages. I understand that you and your "peeps" are trying to set up the rest of your night, and the movie is just the jump off. But while the highlight of your night is you getting blackout drunk and then projectile vomiting outside by your car, my big event is said movie. The light from your cell is both blinding and distracting, so either shut it off or take it outside.

2. Shut up. Everyone talks at the movies, but trying to guess every plot twist and turn is absolutely unnecessary. Also unless I am mistaken, most theaters do not employ in-house narrators. I'm sure your mom thinks your voice is soothing, but I sure didn't pay $10.25 to hear you talk. So please keep it down to a minimum.

3. Keep your appendages to yourself. Nothing is worse than sitting down in a crowded movie theater only to see feet next to you, and later on having the nail of the big toe creeping closer toward the straw. Or how about finally getting comfortable and having someone kick your chair. Especially during a long movie like Lord of the Rings. Not cool.

4. Control your children. I know you think that little Billy is precious and can do no wrong. But to me little Billy is nothing more than an obstacle between me and and enjoyment, and I will do whatever is necessary to deal with that obstacle. Allowing your little pookie bear to run up and down the aisles whacking me with his plastic light saber is not going to end well. I will take it, snap it in half, hand it back, and then send him back to you with tears in his eyes for you to deal with it. Also if it is a rated R flick, why is your 7 year old there at 11 o'clock on a Thursday night.

5. Get a room. I don't understand why making out in a movie theater is so alluring. Unless it's a kid's movie that you are seeing at midnight people are going to be in there with you while you are trying to get it on. So keep your hands to yourself. Or if you are too cheap to get a room, go to the drive-in like every other teenage couple in America.

I know these seem silly, but if you could follow these simple rules you will make the movie experience more enjoyable. I know I left some out, so if you have one please feel free to drop me a line and let me know.

Why my mind probably shouldn't be left alone

Every once in a while I am left unsupervised and to my own devices. And in these times it is when I do my best thinking. I wish I could say that the things I think up will somehow benefit mankind, but anyone who knows me can tell you that just isn't my style. I mean who else could come up with The Action Extreme Stunt Wedding? (Don't Ask...) 

And I really feel bad for my girlfriend Linda. Because on Sunday like all girls do, she asked the ill-fated question, "What's on your mind?" Normally, I shrug her off but yesterday I actually told her the answer to her question. I looked her in the eye and with an absolutely straight face, I said these words, "Linda... I want to be a pirate."

Linda laughed at me.  Which is something she often does because rarely do I ever say anything serious. But this time there are legitimate grounds for her fits of giggling. The reason this sounds preposterous is for two reasons: one is that you can't realistically make any kind of money being a pirate nowadays, and the other is I am deathly afraid of water. 

I won't get into why I'm afraid of water, because that is an entirely different story altogether. I will say however that it involves me, my good buddy Jimbo, a hollowed out tree trunk, a river in the Philippines, and a monsoon.  It doesn't take an iron chef to realize that this is a recipe for disaster. But just know that me and bodies of water bigger than a jacuzzi don't mesh well together.

I admit that with all my free time lately I have seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies like a thousand times. But I want to be a pirate. How can you not though? With all the sword fighting, raiding, plundering, and just flat out shameless chasing of women. It would have been glorious. Although I would have taken care of my teeth. 

I would have been a great pirate, I think I still would be. Not all the time mind you, but I think just for like a week or two. I guess what I want is a pirate fantasy camp. How great would that be? Two weeks of sailing around, engaging in epic sea battles, sword fights, and rolling into a port and then laying siege to the town. Is there anything more rugged and manly? 

I say there isn't. Linda disagrees. But until I can live out my dream of being a pirate, I will be living vicariously through my role model Captain Barbosa.