Its post #99! Holy smack, where did the time go? not only that, but next Thursday, which also happens to be my birthday will be the two year anniversary of this completely random collection of thoughts. More introspective thoughts later... on to the blog.
Does anyone know what happened to cartoons? Like where did they go? When I was a kid cartoons were all over the place. You could blindly point to any channel listed in the TV guide(where did that go also) at any time of the day and find cartoons. Now I look through the guide on my dvr and see nothing but stupid tween shows. Nickelodeon has been overrun by iCarly, and 75 other shows just like it. Its an epidemic that has gotten so bad, cartoon network doesn't show cartoons anymore. (Moment of silence please) as if I needed another reminder that I was old.
Stupid high school musical came along and messed everything up. Now I can't even enjoy cartoons. Or or grown up tv for that matter, because glee has come along and melted everyone's brains. Hey glee groupies... go watch cop rock. See what's in store for your hip new show. (Let's be careful out there, best cop rock song ever. I dare you to challenge me on this.)
Sounding bitter I know. But tv used to be awesome until you yuppies took over. So I've said my piece and now I'm leaving. But know when all these peeps end up pushing 40 or in rehab, Hollywood will have no choice but to turn tv back over to the nerds. And please believe my people are ready.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Dirk Dastardly Approves This Message
Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and sportsmanship... know what they have in common? They don't exist. Each one, a mythical fairy tale designed to make kids feel good. I know I'm sounding like a crazy person, but bear with me. I have a plan. We just may have to take some ikea-like "shortcuts" to get there.
As many of you know I have coached/played basketball for many years. And one thing I've always hated is once the game is over, you gotta huddle up and say "good game whoever" and line up to go and shake the other teams hand and say "good game". Its cool if the game was actually a good one, but what if you get beat by 30? There is nothing worse than having to shake someones hand when you REALLY don't want to. And the winning team says good game, but what they all are thinking is, "Yo... you should have just forfeited and saved us all two hours."
And don't even get me started on adult life. I have seen very few instances where the guy who exhibits all those traits he learned playing little league actually get ahead. Usually its the guy who is willing to sell his moms kidneys that wins. I've seen now more than ever, you have to be willing to do what the other guy won't.
You're like, "Bobby that's so awful! What will you tell your children?" To cheat, but do it respectfully. It won't be full on cheating, just the exploitation of loopholes within the rules of the game. I will tell them that I only know of one guy who could Doright and win... and his name was Dudley. (Give it a few minutes.... and there you go.) I've taught other peoples kids to cheat, just as I have taught them to ambush and terrorize. So don't be surprised if in about ten years, a little Williams kid is hand checking in rec league, with me as proud as a peacock. You have been warned.
As many of you know I have coached/played basketball for many years. And one thing I've always hated is once the game is over, you gotta huddle up and say "good game whoever" and line up to go and shake the other teams hand and say "good game". Its cool if the game was actually a good one, but what if you get beat by 30? There is nothing worse than having to shake someones hand when you REALLY don't want to. And the winning team says good game, but what they all are thinking is, "Yo... you should have just forfeited and saved us all two hours."
And don't even get me started on adult life. I have seen very few instances where the guy who exhibits all those traits he learned playing little league actually get ahead. Usually its the guy who is willing to sell his moms kidneys that wins. I've seen now more than ever, you have to be willing to do what the other guy won't.
You're like, "Bobby that's so awful! What will you tell your children?" To cheat, but do it respectfully. It won't be full on cheating, just the exploitation of loopholes within the rules of the game. I will tell them that I only know of one guy who could Doright and win... and his name was Dudley. (Give it a few minutes.... and there you go.) I've taught other peoples kids to cheat, just as I have taught them to ambush and terrorize. So don't be surprised if in about ten years, a little Williams kid is hand checking in rec league, with me as proud as a peacock. You have been warned.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
You're Our Only Hope....
I was in the bathroom getting ready for work when I realized that I will never save the world. (Profound, I know.) But I say this not because I physically couldn't do it, but because I do not posses any of the skills that are required. Like there are way more qualified dudes to do the job.
Like even if you tried to hollywood it up, it would be the worst movie ever. Couldn't you see it? "This summer... Our only hope lies with a guy who really wants to be a pirate." And then there would be a bunch of clips of me running from ninjas, running from bullets, and running from explosions. And maybe one where I cry because I get punched in the nose... you know just to show my sensitive side for the ladies.(I smell Oscar.)
I know its a bad idea to say never, but its fairly safe to assume that if the world were ever in peril, the president is not sending a chopper to pick me up from work. No 5 star general is gonna hand me a thick file in the back of a limo, and then later salute me as I halo jump out of a plane into enemy territory. Nor will my ability to be kinda good at jeopardy ever come in handy when aliens come to obliterate our species.
Side tangent: has anyone ever noticed that aliens always destroy earth? Like I'm no expert, but I'd like to think they could just shoot rays that cause our brains to melt. Like you can travel across the galaxy, but you can't develop a brain scrambler? (Sorry.. I'll focus.)
So sorry guys... if you're looking for a world saver, I'm not your guy. But I do know jack bauer is free. You should call him.
Like even if you tried to hollywood it up, it would be the worst movie ever. Couldn't you see it? "This summer... Our only hope lies with a guy who really wants to be a pirate." And then there would be a bunch of clips of me running from ninjas, running from bullets, and running from explosions. And maybe one where I cry because I get punched in the nose... you know just to show my sensitive side for the ladies.(I smell Oscar.)
I know its a bad idea to say never, but its fairly safe to assume that if the world were ever in peril, the president is not sending a chopper to pick me up from work. No 5 star general is gonna hand me a thick file in the back of a limo, and then later salute me as I halo jump out of a plane into enemy territory. Nor will my ability to be kinda good at jeopardy ever come in handy when aliens come to obliterate our species.
Side tangent: has anyone ever noticed that aliens always destroy earth? Like I'm no expert, but I'd like to think they could just shoot rays that cause our brains to melt. Like you can travel across the galaxy, but you can't develop a brain scrambler? (Sorry.. I'll focus.)
So sorry guys... if you're looking for a world saver, I'm not your guy. But I do know jack bauer is free. You should call him.
Monday, January 3, 2011
December 21st, 2010.... (aka- Another Reason to Believe)
I sat there, illuminated for a few moments before everything went black again. The rain was hitting my roof and the radio was playing a song, but it all sounded like white noise; a buzzing sound that was a million miles away. I sat there taking stock, making sure that everything was in order. It all happened so fast I couldn't prevent it, but I can tell you this... I should have died.
With hands shaking due to adrenaline, I tried to open the driver's side door. But damage to the car prevented me from doing so. I unhooked my seat and climbed across to the passenger seat. The rain started to come down harder as I stood there in disbelief. It was only after exiting did I realize how fortunate I was. My car, which not five minutes earlier had lost traction, spun out across all 4 lanes of the freeway and then hit the embankment, lay perpendicular and extending into the right lane. It was a sight, with 3 exploded tires and a missing bumper. Standing up the road, I started to figure out who to call. But remembered I left my phone at home. (What can I say? When I do near death experiences, I go all out.)
I couldn't believe it. Not after it took 20 minutes for a good samaritan to help. Not after the highway patrol came and administered a field sobriety test, not even after calling Future Wife for a ride, a towtruck, and getting home at midnight. I still don't believe it.
What ifs immediately started coming and continue to this day. I just examine how if the tiniest of details had been different, such as other cars behind me, not wearing a seat belt, or being on an elevated overpass. Anything gets changed, and I might not be here now. It can only be described as a miracle. I should have died, but by the grace of God I didn't.
With hands shaking due to adrenaline, I tried to open the driver's side door. But damage to the car prevented me from doing so. I unhooked my seat and climbed across to the passenger seat. The rain started to come down harder as I stood there in disbelief. It was only after exiting did I realize how fortunate I was. My car, which not five minutes earlier had lost traction, spun out across all 4 lanes of the freeway and then hit the embankment, lay perpendicular and extending into the right lane. It was a sight, with 3 exploded tires and a missing bumper. Standing up the road, I started to figure out who to call. But remembered I left my phone at home. (What can I say? When I do near death experiences, I go all out.)
I couldn't believe it. Not after it took 20 minutes for a good samaritan to help. Not after the highway patrol came and administered a field sobriety test, not even after calling Future Wife for a ride, a towtruck, and getting home at midnight. I still don't believe it.
What ifs immediately started coming and continue to this day. I just examine how if the tiniest of details had been different, such as other cars behind me, not wearing a seat belt, or being on an elevated overpass. Anything gets changed, and I might not be here now. It can only be described as a miracle. I should have died, but by the grace of God I didn't.
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