Beat Fighter?

So I'm sitting at the casa, watching street fighter: the legend of chun-li. (I put about as much effort into capitalizing the title, as the cast and crew did into ensuring that this movie didn't suck.) So I'm sitting here watching the "fight scenes". I put this into quotations, because fighting in movies reminds me a lot of interpretive dance. Everything has a rhythm to it. a style, grace, and fluidity, that makes it seem not genuine. They all have pauses and beats to them that seems to change them from cool looking fight sequences, to asian style b-boy battles with punches and kicks. (no disrespect to asians, b-boys, or combinations of the two.) Where am I going with this?

I guess my point is that everyone who has been in a real fight knows there is very little style, grace, or fluidity to it.  It's usually two guys furiously slap-boxing, and hugging like grade school girls on the playground. In real life, no group attacking one guy would ever wait in line for their turn, and no amount of martial arts mastery would save you from bullets. But I guess if anyone made a martial arts movie where the fighting was realistic, no one would ever watch.  I'm just saying...

I Got Five On It!

Men, what are we doing? We have to figure out our handshakes. I have been exposed to at least 15 different variations just in the last two days alone. We have to have a talk. I'm calling an official League of Men emergency meeting to settle this once and for all.

Watching two guys who guys who aren't on the same page conduct a handshake is like watching a newborn colt try to take its first steps. It's awkward, and just doesn't look right. Therefore, I suggest we limit the secret man handshake to a quick slap and fist bump. Or, if you're greeting an elder statesman or a superior, just a quick handshake will suffice. It's time to tighten it up... who's with me?

The Ballad of Alex Rogan

So I just finished watching the Tron Legacy trailer for like the 12 billionth time. It is the long overdue, and highly anticipated sequel to the 80's hit movie Tron. For those of you who aren't nerds, Tron is awesome. (Netflix this one, trust me...) It was one of the first movie to use heavy, heavy does of CGI. But as awesome as Tron is, the movie that cemented my official entrance into nerd-dom was The Last Starfighter. I love The Last Starfighter. I won't go into detail, but it involves aliens, epic 80's space battles, and video games. It had everything a 6 year old boy could dream of.

I have long since secretly prayed for a sequel to this movie. But I guess it didn't rock the worlds of everyone else as it did mine. But now with the new buzz around the new Tron movie, maybe somebody will take a second look at The Last Starfighter. I mean Ron Moore and David Eick took a campy, and slightly sexist space odyssey and turned into one of the greatest science fiction shows of all time. I'm hoping someone will do the same for The Last Starfighter. Until then, I will continue my crusade....

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice

Quick question. Why do companies keep making perfumes that smell like flowers, twigs, and berries? We as men are not capable of appreciating these subtle scents. Now ladies before you get all upset, let's be honest. You wear perfume to attract men. We smell it, and are programmed to inform you that you smell nice, but we don't really appreciate it. That's why I'm proposing as an official, card carrying member of the League of Men, that companies start making perfumes that smell like our favorite desserts. I for one can guarantee that The Girlfriend would get more face time if she smelled like peach cobbler or strawberry shortcake. I'm just saying....

While Remixing, Carefully Add Vampires

I remember sitting in a class in San Francisco back in 2003, when my teacher, a man by the name of Alan Kaufman (he's legit, you should Google him), told me and my fellow students that there were no more original stories left to tell. That as of now, we have officially entered P. Diddy territory. (For those of you that don't get the joke, Sean Combs, a.k.a. "P. Diddy", does not make original songs. He just makes remixes.) Back then I didn't agree, but as I have gotten older now, I have begun to see his point.

All the awesome topics have pretty much been covered since Moses was in diapers. There are the biggies... You know love, betrayal, death, and revenge. Every great story has had at least one of those, and if not more. Then came the seven deadly sins: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. And I assume that writers everywhere were like, "These are great! Let's write about these now!!!" And they have, continuously, and for a while life was good....

But now? Now to me, it just seems like writing a book has become the equivalent of mad libs. Don't believe me? Here is an example of what I mean. Greek Mythology has the story of Helena and Paris. Their forbidden love leads to the Trojan War, and people die. Fast forward a few millennia, and a guy named William Shakespeare writes a story called Romeo and Juliet. Their forbidden love almost causes a war, and people die. Then James Cameron makes Avatar, where a crippled human falls in love with a blue, cat-faced, space indian. Their forbidden love causes a war so bad that for the better part of an hour, many people on both sides die.

I know what you're thinking, " Come on Bobby, aren't you being just a little bit over dramatic?" And you know what, that is a fair question. Allow me to respond to that with a well thought out response. NO! You fail to realize, that I have left out Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, and Tony and Maria. No matter who you plug into the algebraic equation, forbidden love always adds up to people dying.

Then some lady named Stephanie Meyer writes the same story, using (wait for it....) vampires, and everybody goes nuts. And while I'm on the subject of Stephanie Meyer books, it all just seems goofy. I've never read any of her work, but it's like Romeo and Juliet met Underworld and Van Helsing for a three way T.L.C. match. That stands for Tables, Ladders, & Chairs for those of you who aren't wrestling aficionados. (YouTube it... It's good fun.) Sorry, back on point. It's like those three met in a T.L.C. match and the only winners were girls ages 13-25, but everyone else lost.

Now the smart ones are realizing that this blog was about my severe hatred of the Twilight series, and to that I say, "So what! I'm not the only one..." I firmly believe that this comic wraps up my case quite nicely, and with that the prosecution rests. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and rework the ending to TR-1 and Ragnuk. It's my story of a robot and an alien who forge a forbidden romance amidst a zombie infestation on a remote space station.

P.S.: I know this is barely on the subject, but if someone in your family/friend/ fave 5 circle engages in a forbidden romance, do yourself a favor and just start running. Don't ask why, just do it. That way, when the dust settles and your still alive, you can shoot me an email thanking me for my advice. I'm not gonna even charge you for this little nugget of wisdom, you all can have it for free. Don't say I never gave you anything...