Now Accepting Applicants*

So with the amount of times I've mentioned the League of Men, I'm surprised that no one has ever asked how to obtain membership. Likewise, with the mentioning of Man Cards, I'm equally as surprised no one has ever asked me how to obtain one. (Well not really, seeing as how 95% of the people who read this are women.) As sheer manliness has declined, we have gone the opposite direction of the california public school system. Instead of diluting things and making it easier to join, we have made it harder... That way the select few who have been chosen will be able to truly call themselves men. And since officially being maned the Unofficial Ambassador/Spokesperson, I feel I should bring the qualifications for both to the masses, in case anyone deeming themselves worthy feel froggy enough to leap.

1. You must have won at least one fight where the odds were stacked against you: Every man can beat up scouts, or prevail in an even fight. But it takes a true LoM man to dominate when he is vastly outnumbered.

2. You must know how to fix something: whether it be computers, plumbing, or electrical wiring, an LoM guy must be skilled with his hands. And for the record, Xbox doesn't count.

3. Either slap box a grizzly bear, or arm wrestle an orangutan: Personally, I'd take the bear, as the monkeys fight dirty. Bonus points if you do both.

4. Know the rules: It doesn't matter for what, but know the rules. Nothing worse than the guy who can't tell you the rules. Concurrently, if you don't know the rules don't pretend that you do. Everyone knows when you're faking it.

5. Be a Loyal Wingman: Look I know sometimes its not a good draw. Your buddy gets the the one 10, while you're stuck with the five 2's. But as the honorable Jester once said, "You never leave your wingman." And if Michael Ironside says it, it pretty much has to be gospel right?
(Side Question: When did Kelly McGillis turn into Julie Andrews' stunt double? And why does she look like she could break a hip lying down while Tom Cruise is still making action movies?)

6. You must never wear pink. Ever.

7.You must milk a bald eagle, beat a cheetah in a foot race, pull the impacted wisdom tooth from a moving great white shark, and live to tell about it.

8.No purses can be held: You may laugh at this one, but this rule right here has nearly ended our illustrious institution. To be accused of purse holding is a fate worse than death itself. Tribunals are held, your reputation is dragged through the mud. And even if you are found innocent, the stench that goes along with the label of Purse Holder follows you for a long time. Any LoM member worth his salt can tell you about the Purse Holding incident of 1608. Dark days those were.

And that's it, those are our rules. Now You may be thinking, "Psssh! That's not so tough. I could do that in my sleep!" You may be correct. But these are the feats you must accomplish just to get an application. You still have the Combine, the oral interviews, and a little something that over years has been dubbed "The Decimator". So if you feel brave and want to join, ask a member. But be careful as all members are certified ninja masters, and may kill you.

*All past and present members of the military are exempt from the initial application process.

Quick Question

I was working on a short story idea, and I came across a question. "What in life is worth killing for?" I asked my brother P.K., who coincidentally is no use when it comes to metaphorical questions, his take. His reply was "Nothing at all." After berating him for being useless(Seriously, he was.), I sent a text to my dad. No more than five minutes later I get this reply: "wife and mother". Accurate, but does not really help me in what I am efforting to do.

So I ask you, well the nine of you who read this, to tell me what do you think is worth killing for?

Pack a Musical Punch

I'm a big fan of the payoff. I'm a sucker for resolution. Especially when it comes to music. I don't know much about chord progression and things like that so the fact that Mozart was able to spell his own name (allegedly) in his music means nothing to me. But I do judge you on your impacts. That moment where you've built up tension to the brim and you just let it all out. Does your impact hit me so hard that I feel it in my chest? Does it evoke some sore of emotional feeling, or does it just make me bob my head? (Unrelated Question: Why are all dudes with naturally crazy hair good at what they do?)

Try this. Even if you don't listen to the whole thing... Just give it up until the after the 1:45 mark. That right there is pure joy to listen to. That to me is great music. Not only is it beautiful, but I see imagery when I hear it.

Circle The Bandwagons!!!!

Dear Giants Fans,

As I type this your team has just won a World Series. As a lifelong Dodgers fan I have no choice but to sit here and be bitter that your team this year did what my team for the last two years could not. Beat the Phillies and won the world series. Doesn't mean I can't be mad though.

I know there are some of you who are true fans. So for the handful of you who know who Robby Thompson is, please skip the next paragraph or so. I want to address the bandwagoners for just a few moments. Now some of you may get upset and say "Hey! I'm not a bandwagon fan!" I've been following the giants since July and they were bad back then!" You sir are a bandwagon fan no doubt about it. The fact that you are over the age of 15 and own a panda hat confirms it. You will probably be the guy at the parade wearing the fake beard your mom made you when the playoffs started. I work in SF and its been rough the last 4 weeks walking around my job as everyday more people showed up in brand new, crispy clean Giants hats, saying things like “Gee that Brian Wilson is good closer, but is he the son of that guy from the Beach Boys?” Another example. In May I got the opportunity to go and sit in a box seat that my company owns. All the other people stayed in the room drinking copious amounts of alcohol while I was the only one that watched. Now these same people are quoting Aubrey Huff’s batting average with runners in scoring position. True story time! After Hit his homer a guy in my office screamed out, "OMG!(yes, he actually used omg) that guy just hit a bases loaded 3 run homer!" Say hello to you 2011 new fan!!!

So congrats true Giants fans, you’ve earned it. For you lifers, I know you’ve been through a lot. The ’89 quake series, and the game six Russ Ortiz debacle in ‘02. Not to forget the year Skinny Barry and the gang won 100 games and couldn’t beat the Dodgers on the last day to get into the postseason. I’ve been there through it all with you and tap danced on your tears. I wore a rally monkey and constantly said things like “Too bad they haven’t won on the west coast.” and I deserve this moment right now. So enjoy the upcoming ticket price raise, all the seats being bought up by companies so their VP of marketing can wine and dine clients. Or by business execs who show up late, text or check email until the 7th inning, and then leave early. Or the bleacher creatures who only talk junk to old ladies, little girls, or when your team is up by double digit runs. Enjoy being pushed out by wine drinkers, and people who don’t understand why you cheer for a sacrifice fly. Since the Dodgers have lost, I have shifted my focus to football and basketball seasons. And know that I take great joy in remembering that the local teams still suck at these sports.

Some may ask, “Bobby why do you say hateful things about the Giants?” Because I’m a Dodgers fan, and its my job, and as I speak people who lay dormant for months are blowing up my facebook wall with posts about how they knew this was their year. About how, they knew back in April that this team had magic, and that a bunch of has beens and almost weres would bring home the title. I’d hoped that the Giants would go on a Red Soxian type drought where generations of fans knew nothing but heartbreak. Like I told a coworker today, “If the Giants were playing an alien race… and the loser would have their entire race annihilated? I would root for the aliens.” So erect your statue of Aubrey Huff and talk about how Cody Ross and Aaron Rowand are first ballot hall of famers. I’ve said my piece and I will say no more…. Until next season that is. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get to my car before I’m hit by a rioter throwing empty Merlot bottles.