Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm like Michael Bay, except I do weddings (and I don't suck)

If I had my way, my wedding would have been WAY different. Pretty sure it would have gone down as the greatest wedding of all time. Doubt me? Let me walk you through it...

If I had my way, it would have been on an abandoned airfield. The seats would have been facing a picturesque waterfront background. My groomsmen would show up riding all black motorcycles. They would park them off to the side. Moments later a plane would fly over, causing everyone seated to look up. There they would see me parachuting towards the ceremony. I land, get rid of the arachute and take my place next to the pastor and my groomsmen. The bridesmaids..who cares? All you need to know is that they show up. Now its time for the bride.

This is where it gets good. Off in the distance you hear what sounds like car engines and gunfire. Turning in your chair, you would have been witness to a '67 mustang being pursued by 3 black sedans. The mustang is swerving to avoid gunfire and rocket launches. Through Bond like gadgetry, the mustang leaves an oil slick, causing the sedans to flip and explode. Then the mustang power slides, and out of the car steps Wifey rocking the white leather catsuit. We stand at the altar and when the pastor says the part about speaking now or forever holding your peace, our villain stands up. He's sitting in the crowd! And he's not alone... he brought ninjas. So now the bridal party is fighting bad guys. After they are defeated, the pastor pronounces us husband and wife, wifey and I kiss, and then explosions.

Tell me that wouldn't be the best wedding ever! It wouldd have put that wedding where people were dancing to Chris Brown to shame. I almost had it too, but Wifey couldn't figure out what flower package worked best. But oh what could've been...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Pretend Soldiers

Its raining and I'm in a bunker accompanied on either side by my comrades in arms, Leftie and Righty. My two companinions are wondering if the coast is clear, impatiently wanting to advance our position. The guy to my right pops up to look, only to be hurriedly chased back to cover by several shots aimed in his direction. All over the field you hear what sounds like firecrackers being exploded.

Leftie says, "I'm tired of waiting! I'm going for it!" And charges out from behind the bunker. Just as suddenly shots ring out. Righty and I exchange glances, each of us thinking the same thing... that Leftie is no more. Righty then makes a series of complex hand motions telling me that he's going right to draw their fire, and that I should wait a two count and peel left. Hopefully while they are following him I can move undetected. We give each other a knuckle bump for luck and the he goes. I wait my two seconds, and spin out to the left, gun trained looking for hostiles. Shots whizz past me, but I remain focused. I see two hostiles and with two quick taps on the trigger, both are eliminated. I am almost to my objective when I feel something hit my shoulder. And just after my head is knocked back as something hits me in the head.

I hear a whistle blow, and the referee screams, "Dead man walking, let him out!" I turn and slowly head back to my dead box, having just been destroyed by paintballs. I hear several of my teammates say, "aww man! HE'S out!"

This was me on Saturday. Pretending to play soldier with about 45 strangers. For it being my first time, I didn't know what to expect, but I had a blast. If you don't mind a little pain(getting hit with paintballs kinda hurts) I hightly recommend it. Although it helps to be short, or limber. (My two kryptonites.) its a great way for grown ups to play army men all over again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

How I Got Married... Part 1

Hi, remember me? I'm the guy who used to update this thing sporadically before I basically disappeared. I apologize for that, but in my defense I have been kinda busy. Let's see.. I got married. That was awesome, but not as awesome as the whole getting to the actual ceremony. Its a pretty epic story if I do say so myself. I'm gonna tell it so pay attention.

The week before The Wife and I were supposed to get hitched, I switched jobs. And they weere flying out to Orlando to meet the team I was working with. So that meant I iwas flying out too. Wifey was not pleased as we had already made travel arraingements but finally relented. So what was supposed to be a simple San Jose to Maui flight turned into a complex four plane chain. But due to general idiocracy that mutated into a 36 hour, 7 flight catastrophe. I'm going to try some thing here. I will list the three time zones that are crucial to this story... east coast time, pacific time, and hawaiian time. so 5pm est is 2pm pst and is also 11am ht.
Hopefully this makes sense.

Thursday-2pm EST/11am PST/8am HT: I arrive at the Orlando airport, check in, and find out my plane is delayed an hour. "No big deal" I thought, as my plane to vegas from SFO didn't leave until 10pm PST. So I hunkered down in a seat and take advantage of the free internet at the airport.

Thursday-5pm EST/2pm PST/11am HT: Still at the Orlando airport. Now nervous due to the fact that my plane was suppsed to leave 20 minutes ago. Was worried about missing my Vegas flight but found out the the weather in the bay area was bad and all flights were affected. I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I had a 1am flight from vegas to honolulu. And I didn't care what old lady I had to heisman I was making that flight.

Thursday-7pm EST/5pm PST/2pm HT: On a flight to LAX. Because the weather sucked so bad, I, with the help of my new boss, got a flight from LAX to vegas that would let me get that overnighter to vegas. So as the door closes I relax knowing I'm gonna make it.

Thursday-12am EST/10pm PST/7 HT: Landed in los angeles. Ran across the airport. Hurdled a guy who had bent over to tie his shoe. Heismaned an old lady. Did a spin move on a mom and her stroller. Get all the way up to the counter to hear, "Sorry sir, that flight's been overbooked. Since you didn't check in, you have no seat." What?! Apparently overbooking is quite common, and since I was on a plane with no internet access I couldn't check in. So guess what flight I missed? I told the lady my situation, pleaded with them, even asked if I could go fight the person for my seat.(they said no). They apologized, gave me the number to hawaiian airlines, and wished me both luck and congrats. Defeated, I walked from the counter and sat down. Now the next thing on the list was to call Wifey.

TO BE CONTINUED....