Only Bill Cosby gives out Chocolate Cake

Happy Father's Day! Normally I don't celebrate today, but this father's day is a little bit different. I am happy to announce that I, Bobby Williams, am going to be a father sometime in the future! But all jokes aside, I figured that since I shouted out moms, it is only fair that I do the same for pops.

My relationship with my dad has in the past been akin to the Cold War of the 1960's. Never did fireworks ensue, but both parties clearly making it known that nuclear war could break out at any time. To me growing up, mom was the fun one... She taught me how to shoot a jump shot, throw a curveball, and dance so that I wouldn't embarrass myself when I went to dances. Dad on the other hand taught me how to dial a phone with one finger, (which I still don't do) during a rainy night on the side of the freeway, I got a hands on lesson on how to change a flat tire, and was able to get over my fear of public speaking by being made to emcee a basketball awards night. It seemed like for him everyday was a new chance to make me do something that I didn't really want to do. And for me it was a new opportunity to fight him with all I had.

My dad is not like the dads you might have found on your favorite 80's sitcom. I remember watching tv and seeing the sitcom dad talk to their kids about drugs, sex, and gangs with love and understanding. Those conversations on tv lasted half the episode, and ended with a hug... That's not how my "manhood" conversations went with my dad. He will deny this if you ask him, but this is exactly how it went. He called me into his room and I went in. As I turned the corner I see my dad, cleaning his gun (he's a cop), and he looks me dead in the eye and says, "If, you ever have a baby, do drugs, or join a gang I will kill you. I am a cop, I know how to do it and make it look like an accident. Are we clear?" I nodded my head, to which he replied, "Good, now send your brother in here." Who does that? You will never see that in any Dr. Spock book... Chapter 8 will never be "How To Threaten Your Kids Into Compliance". 

When I was younger, we fought about everything. But we also had some pretty great moments. He taught my brother and I the subtleties of getting revenge. He always said that without proper planning and execution, even the best plans can fail. He let us be part of a fake bank robbery, took us to Brazil, and taught me that people are always watching. One of his favorite quotes is "Character is what you do and how you act when no one is looking."

 But now that I am older, I see what my dad was trying to do. He was attempting to prepare me for adulthood. Sure, his methods were unconventional but they were effective. And despite my best efforts, I find myself becoming more and more like my dad everyday. And you know what? I'm okay with that. 

So happy father's day to all the dads out there. So enjoy your ties, coffee mugs, and macaroni picture frames. I look forward to the day when I am labeled the "World's Greatest Dad".

Don't do that...

Men... Guys... Dudes... Bros. We have so many names. We have magazines, and websites that cater specifically to us... telling us how to dress, what to drink, and even how to escape from jail. Everyday guys are bombarded with what he should do in order to be "the man". I mean it's nice to know how to get into the playboy mansion with only a post it note and a packet of mild sauce from Taco Bell in your pocket. Valuable information to be sure... but honestly when will that ever happen to me? And what about the things a guy shouldn't do? Why doesn't anyone try to do the opposite? You know... create a bunch of rules for the everyday that won't necessarily make you "the man", but should help you out in your everyday life. That would be great right? Well good thing you have me... because that's exactly what I'm about to do. This is a tentative list of some things a guy shouldn't do. *DISCLAIMER* This is a tentative, and fluid list...

Guys Should Never...

1. Let another man change his flat tire: Cars get flat tires. It happens. Every once in a while I'm rolling down the freeway and I see a tow truck guy changing a tire. He's down on his knees, working hard. Then off to the side I see another man standing there on his cell phone talking away and this irritates me to no end. The car obviously belongs to cell phone guy, but he's too good to change his tire? It makes me want to grab him by his livestrong (aka What Would Lance Armstrong Do?) bracelet and beat him senseless. I mean how does this sound? "Hey sorry I'm late for (insert manly event here) guys... I had a flat tire. But I called Triple A and got it taken care of." I think that not only would you be laughed at... You would be laughed at and kicked out of whatever event you were late for. And in my circle of friends, you might have issues of Cosmopolitan or a box set of sex and the city show up at your house. Your favorite drink will become the appletini, and your nickname may change to something like Shirley or Nancy. And you don't want that... do you? Of course you don't. Don't get me wrong, Triple A is a good service... for ladies who lock their keys in the car, or if your car breaks down on the highway in the middle of nowhere. But in no way should a man call for a flat tire, and then think that bungee jumping trip makes up for it. Jumping off of high ledges with a rope strapped to your ankles isn't manly... It's stupid.

2. Slap or allow yourself to get slapped by another man: If you are out and some nonsense escalates to the "lets go outside" stage, don't make things worse by slapping the other party. It's just not a good idea due to the fact that no man in history of men has ever been okay with being slapped. As a matter of fact in days long ago, slapping another man meant a duel was taking place. Do understand the seriousness that was placed on slapping another man? You couldn't slap another guy and then expect to casually stroll home. If you slapped another man, one of you had to die. I say we bring that back.

3. Teabagging: Seriously... do I even need to talk about this one? You just shouldn't do it. Out of respect for the ladies I won't get too graphic, but I will say this. We as men are homophobic by nature. Unless sports is involved, we avoid male to male contact like it is the plague. I mean even the man hug has been documented and posted on youtube. So why is it that when a guy passes out, we do something completely unnatural like teabagging? It's like you're saying, it's only wrong and gross, unless the other guy is unconscious. And to make matters worse, some guys even take pictures to document the event. How would you feel if 30 years from now, your kids stumble across a picture of dad and his frat brothers teabagging the Delta pledges during rush week? Please just quit it.

4. Hold a purse: Here's the scenario. You and the lady friend are out because she is shopping for everything but the thing you came to the store for. She finds some shirts (even though you came for pants) and wants to try them on. Before she heads into the dressing room she turns to you and says, "Can you hold my purse?" STOP!!! IT'S A TRAP!!! Before reach out your hand know two things. One is that she is marking her territory, letting the other women know that you are her property. The other thing is that she is testing you... seeing how much she can get away with. One day you're holding purses, and then before you know it you and the girlfriend are spending weekends at Crate and Barrel or Ikea picking out furniture and dishes for the imaginary house she's decorating in her mind. So if she hands you the purse just do what I do and put it at your feet. No one will steal it, and you know exactly where it is until she comes back. Or continue to hold it and have your life end up like this guy.

I've got more and can go for days... but I think this is a solid list to start. If you have one please leave a comment, or drop me a line elsewhere and let me know. 

Writer's Block

So tonight I was talking to my friend Kosher, (A name I just made up, by the way...) about my blog. She said that she reads every one of them, and like the other seven people who subject themselves to my absolute nonsense, I thanked her from the depths of my heart. So like I said to her I'm saying to the seven other people who have ever read this... Thank you. Because everyone likes to be heard every now and then.

With the love and support of people like The Girlfriend, P.K., Stephiles, and Kosher, I have been doing a bit of creative writing. Outside of this blog which I should maintain a little better, I have written a few short stories, and I am working on a children's chapter book. It's nothing too crazy, just me being left alone with my thoughts. I see everything I want to put down on paper play out like a summer blockbuster in my mind. I see colors, hear sounds, and can practically smell and taste things like I am there. I mentioned these four people because when I attempt to write, these are the four people who inspire me.

 My brother P.K. is my main competition, and I hate his guts. He plays the trombone in like several bands, and has written like six bajillion songs. It would be one thing if a few of them sucked, but everything he writes is good. And if that isn't enough, he has concerts where he gets on stage and plays all of his stupid jazz songs. Afterwards, people congratulate him on how awesome he is, and I get jealous. Right now, he is better at his craft than I am and that drives me to get better.

The Girlfriend is grade A, numero uno positive support. It is because of her that I even started writing at all. When I started writing and would get frustrated, she was always there with a word of encouragement, or some sort of support. She often times tells me that no matter what, the fact that I am doing this speaks volumes to what kind of man I am. She lifts me up, and it is reassuring to know that no matter what, win or lose, she will always be my number one fan.

Kosher is a little different. She keeps me in check. I applaud her for the fact that she has no problems telling me that I suck. If something is no good, she lets me know. If an idea is lame, she lets me know. Nobody I know is as hard on me as she is. But I know that is because she doesn't want me to settle for just being average. 

Stephiles to me represents the public, or the people I want to impact with my writing. She is smart, funny, and just flat out awesome. She is an avid reader, and if prodded, I'm sure she has a few stories tucked away somewhere. My goal every time I sit down at the computer is to win her over. Since I haven't known her as long as the other three, I feel like I have something to prove to her. I want to be so amazing that my writing knocks her socks off.

I'm not trying to be the next Hemingway or Joyce... I just love to write. I feel like there are ideas in my head that would make a great story. I just gotta get them out on paper. I guess I also just gotta keep practicing. Hopefully these four people will continue to inspire me as I go along.