W.W.H.S.

That stands for What Would Horatio Say? As in Horatio Caine from CSI Miami. For anyone who has watched the show, Horatio Caine(played by David Caruso) delivers cheesy one liners before the opening credits. For a while PK, Showbiz, and I were fascinated with how cheesy his one liners were. So one night we created a game based on his infamous one liners.

The game we play has two versions. Version one involves you hearing his cheesy one liner and then trying to out do him. Version two (my favorite), involves seeing the scene as Horatio sees it, and then seeing who comes the closest to his line.

Now the writers for this show were genius. They created a fool proof formula... they had to. They were committed to Caruso, but then realized after watching his body of work, that dude couldn't act. So during a late night emergency meeting they came up with what I like to call the Caine Corollary, a fool proof way to make Caruso look like he has talent. It goes like this... You take a dead body + its surroundings or occupation = opening show one liner. So using this formula I’m going to create Horatio Caine one liners just for you. I'm adding a link to a sound effect button (right click on the link and open in a new window for maximum effectiveness.), and you can click it at the end of reading, to add to the impact of these one liners.

Dead body + magician + stuffed in a trunk = Someone really wanted to make sure our friend disappeared for his final act...

Dead body + CEO + Found in chair the next morning = Guess no one told that working overtime was hazardous to his health...

But what makes it so awesome is that using the Caine Corollary, you can create your own one liners for use in everyday situations. Just eliminate the "Dead Body" portion and substitute something else.

Mom and store clerk + Supermarket + Cleanup in the dairy isle = You know what they say... there's no use crying over spilled milk.

Man and woman + At the gym + Having an argument = Some couples... just don't work out.

Cheesy, but awesome. I challenge you to come up with one and sent it to me. Winner will be immortalized in the "Welcome to my Mind" Hall of Fame. And even if you don't send one in, just try it for fun. It's always interesting to see the reactions you get.

Musical Voldemort

So today I was talking to my good friend Joeydee. Which is how I spend a good portion of every day and seeing as how I talk to him so much, its a miracle I've gone this long without ever mentioning him before. We use facebook to communicate, send each other links with interesting topics, and then discuss them. It's kind of like The View, but with dudes. I was going to make an Elizabeth Hasselbeck joke right here, but then you all would question me on how I know so much about the show. (Don't ask...)

Today we were talking about music, and Lady Gaga(last time I mention her name) came up. Joeydee sent me a link with a picture of "She Who Will Not Be Named" (or SWWNBN for short) wearing a dress made of meat. After looking at the picture, my response was that she had on a stupid dress. But then it got me thinking, because someone had recently suggested that I listen to an artist from the UK by the name of Adele. To make a long story short, it was awesome. So I asked Joeydee, "Did the UK get a bunch of old Motown albums and start putting out sneaky good music?" He replied, "Yeah, but they will never be as popular as SWWNBN."

To me that's an injustice. That in this day and age, real quality music and musicians are being drowned out by auto tuners, latex unitards, and meat moo-moos. Marketability is more important to "music lovers" than great lyrics. More importantly, that your fashion statement is valued over whether or not you have talent.

I know this sounds like the old man with his "kid's these days don't know anything" routine. BUt as I get older, I'm slowly starting to see there is a little truth to that. So to artists like Adele, please know that as long as you keep making great music, I will be here to listen to it.

How I Spent My Summer...

So it's been awhile, nearly two weeks. I'm starting to feel like the world's worst writer... At least I would, if someone actually read this thing. But enough of me rolling around in self pity, because I'm sure the 7 of you don't appreciate that at all. So let me just go ahead and give you the rundown of how I spent my summer.

I worked... a lot. I ate, and slept a lot. Oh and I also got engaged. That's right, after 7 long years, The Girlfriend got her promotion. I may consider keeping her name in this blog as The Girlfriend, because I don't particularly like the name The Fiance. Sounds too much finance, plus I imagine that the actual word "fiance" is the common slang name of 14th century French executioners. (Purely speculation though, so don't quote me on this.)

But I have a bone to pick with all married men. All the married men I know have given me advice on every phase of marriage except the one I'm in now. If you exclude the "Women are crazy" or the "Let her win the argument" lines, not one piece of useful advice has come out of this whole thing. Well I have found this gap, and I intend to fill it. Starting today I will be chronicling endeavors in the hopes that future generations of men will be adequately prepared for when they are engaged. I have started a new blog... Its called Dead Man Walking: The Final Days of Bobby Williams. It will discuss everything those who com after me will need to know. Kinda like a male version of the view in written form, but way more awesome.

Now I know what you're thinking "This dude sucks at updating one blog regularly, how's he gonna do two?" That is a good question. My response is this: shut it. I have no need for your rational questions. And in the future if you have another one of those, keep it to yourself. But in all seriousness this is a concerted effort to bombard you with me. Because you clearly need to know what I'm thinking more often.