The Playbook....

Man meeting Monday... Sorry again for the nonsense, as I missed last week, but have since ironed out the technical difficulties. Now on to our topic...

I have spent a lot of time lately in bars (just people watching I swear...) watching the social interactions between people, and I've noticed a few things that I wanna share with you all. There are ways to go about interacting with the fairer sex. So for the youngsters out there I'm going to tell you what NOT to do.

1. Don't stare. An over abundance of eye contact hurts more than it helps. And don't mistake her multiple glances as her being interested. What she is really doing is trying figure out why the creepy guy is looking at her still.

2. No rear access. If you see a young attractive girl dancing and want to join in, don't approach her from behind. For some strange reason, girls don't like being pounced on like an antelope on the African plains. Do yourself a favor and either approach from the front, or tap her on the shoulder.

3. Move fast. My gang has a saying, "If you're winning, then we're winning." Basically what it means is that in a group there is usually one to two attractive girls surrounded by several shields (aka unattractive friends). As your wingman, we will occupy the the shields allowing you space to move in and line her in your sights. But you gotta pull the trigger once you get that green tone, as no guy wants to hear her talk about her job. Especially if she is the the shield.

4. Be flexible. There may come a time where you called dibs on the hottie, but she is clearly interested in your friend. So you immediately have to switch gears and chat up the nottie. It's a difficult transition to be sure... But if you can master it, it will benefit you in the long run.

5. Don't linger. This is the most important. If things don't go well and you all end up striking out, its quite alright. Do yourself a favor, and leave immediately. Don't hang out hoping she will change her mind, because she won't. So camping out like you're waiting for star wars tickets to go on sale, is definitely a bad idea. Because not only is she getting creeped out, every other girl in the bar is watching you either getting creeped out or laughing at you. So just thank her for the time and excuse yourself. But as you walk away don't be discouraged. Even Barry Bonds didn't hit a home run every time.

Sorry for the length, but you should know I left a few out. If you would like to add anything, please shoot me a comment.

Cha Cha Cha!!! Wooo Hooo!!!!

Happy Saturday!!! Or at least that's what I would be saying if it were not for this exact date. But before you go googling what happened, just read and I will tell you. So listen up, and save all questions for the end. And get out your puffy orange vests and gas up the Delorean, for in order for me to properly tell this story, I have to go back in time.

The year was 1984, and things were going great. There was no global warming, No war in Afghanistan, and common birds chirped songs that would rival the best works of composers like Beethoven and Mozart. On this day a young boy named Bobby walked into a hospital and saw an alien. Everyone was excited, but Bobby was horrified. For at once, and with no reason the evil alien opened its eyes, and wailed. Everyone thought the alien was crying, But to Young Bobby, the wail translated to, "I'm going to ruin everything. I will destroy your world, and all you can do is watch"

So for the next 25 years our intrepid hero tried unsuccessfully to rid the world of this evil. But the alien was smart, it adapted, and took control over once sensible human beings to aid it in its cause to make the world a terrible place to be. It is because of this alien's efforts that this world has not achieved greatness. Things like world peace, cures for cancer, and flying cars are absent, all because of this alien's successful operation to send us to our demise.

So congratulations Kim... As you celebrate another year on our earth, we are reminded of how awesome our lives could have been. And I know you guys are thinking, "That there is no way your sister is responsible for us not having flying cars." Maybe not, but she is responsible for being my bratty little sister. But I still love her anyways... Happy Birthday Showbiz!!!!

Be There or Be Square

Man Meeting Monday, Tuesday edition. I know this was supposed to post yesterday,(I'm sure all seven of you were disappointed) but there were unforseen technical difficulties. So I am putting it out today with a promise to never miss another Monday again.

I saw something on the news last week that made me very sad. A 19 year old mother was arrested for killing her two year old daughter. The report said that the accused's mother tried to warn police. After the initial shock of hearing what this woman had done, my next thought was, "where is the father?"

I'll keep it short, but if you aren't ready/don't want to be a father then stop practicing. You don't see people training to run marathons because they like training. Conversely when driving a car, if you don't want to die while driving a car, you protect yourself by wearing a seatbelt. Be smart...

Try It, You Might Like It...

Man Meeting Monday! Just a quickie for today. The Girlfriend showed me a blog that a guy was writing about what he wanted his son to know before he(the dad) became uncool. I browsed through it and most of them seemed like common sense. There were things like build stuff, throw a football with a tight spiral, never ask for directions and so on... With that going on, I've decided to do it one better. I'm going to challenge men out there to do something that isn't considered "manly".

Write a poem, paint a picture, take a dance class. Do something that is way out of your comfort zone as a man. I have found that when we are doing something we aren't good at, we find out the most about ourselves. I will use myself as an example... I am good at sports, but it wasn't until I pushed my boundaries that I found out I am also good at other things. I made The Girlfriend a quilt once, not for any special reason, but just because I wanted to. You may laugh and think its girlie, but I didn't do it for you. Plus for a good year I made all the other male significant others look really suspect.

So try new things. You may be pleasantly surprised. And in this age of manscaping and guys wearing girls jeans and glitter, no one is going to care if you try branching out. Just don't hold a purse. That will get your Man Card pulled.

Que Freddie Mercury...

My mom and I have a little bit of a rivalry/bet going and I'm losing. See 5 years ago, we made a bet as to who would win more C.C.S. basketball championships between the two of us. I was convinced it would be me, because I'm a compulsive gambler as well as a highly competitive guy. After we made the bet, mom has since then jumped out to an early 2-0 lead, but I have always vowed I would tie up the score. Well today I quit, because mom and her basketball team just won their 3rd basketball championship in 4 years.

But as much as I hate losing to my mom, I'm very excited for the team and all the other coaches. What I as an outsider have seen them endure over the last few years, to witness them standing there collecting their trophy was nothing short of amazing. So congrats to the girls, and congrats to mom. I know when I'm beat...

World Class Cheaters

Did anyone else watch the olympics? I kinda did.... and frankly I'm appalled at the amount of cheating that goes on. You all seem shocked, allow me to explain. P.K. and I were watching Team America battle the Russians, and during one of their timeouts, the Russians were discussing strategy in Russian. This would not be an issue, if it wasn't for the fact that they spoke perfect english every other second of the match. Needless to say I was outraged. The american team doesn't have a native language that the other team doesn't know so that their strategy isn't made obvious to the other team. (Though to be quite honest, the american strategy for curling seemed to be through the stone as hard as humanly possible.)

Now I know what you're thinking... "Dude... both Canada and Great Britain speak English!!!" Yes, but at the same time no. I'm pretty sure that Canadians can also speak French (Stephanie, help me out with this one), and I've been speaking English my whole life and I couldn't tell what the Great Britain team was saying half the time.

It reminded me of Star Wars. How every alien in the universe speaks galactic basic(english), but when they need to make fun, or say "hey kill this guy" without the humans knowing they speak their own language. That's how I felt the Qlympics were. Every other country was using their cool language to pick on the americans.

So I'm proposing we make a new language. Part tribal bush clicking, with the close encounters light show mixed in, and some Peyton Manning hand signals thrown in just in case. That way no one will know what we are saying... I think its only fair.

Whatever You Call it, It's a Hair Don't

Today I want to try something different. From now on, I am declaring Monday to be the official Man Meeting Mondays of the League of Men. This means that every Monday, I will try to talk about things that affect men, and by proxy society as a whole. Today, we are going to talk about hair, or a lack of it.

Fellas... there comes a time when every man must come to grips with the fact that he is losing his hair. I realize no man wants to go bald, believe me I know firsthand. But you gotta believe me when I say that the comb-over, and the toupee need to go the way of the Dodo. Its like they say, "You are only as strong as your weakest link..." and to guys who fall into these two categories, you're making the rest of us look pretty weak.

Now, don't get discouraged my fellow baldskateers. Over the years, there have been advancements to combat the ugly beast that is male pattern baldness. You could rock the Telly Savalas (my personal favorite), you could just cut it close (depending on how bald you are, this could work.), or you can wear a hat. But more important than these things, you have to be confident. I mean come on... you knew this day was coming. One look at your dad's hairline was all it took. Some of the greatest men ever were bald. Men like Ghandi, Winston Churchill, and Kojak. So be proud. You belong to a prestigious group. And to all of you rocking the hair plugs? Shame...