Don't do that...

Men... Guys... Dudes... Bros. We have so many names. We have magazines, and websites that cater specifically to us... telling us how to dress, what to drink, and even how to escape from jail. Everyday guys are bombarded with what he should do in order to be "the man". I mean it's nice to know how to get into the playboy mansion with only a post it note and a packet of mild sauce from Taco Bell in your pocket. Valuable information to be sure... but honestly when will that ever happen to me? And what about the things a guy shouldn't do? Why doesn't anyone try to do the opposite? You know... create a bunch of rules for the everyday that won't necessarily make you "the man", but should help you out in your everyday life. That would be great right? Well good thing you have me... because that's exactly what I'm about to do. This is a tentative list of some things a guy shouldn't do. *DISCLAIMER* This is a tentative, and fluid list...

Guys Should Never...

1. Let another man change his flat tire: Cars get flat tires. It happens. Every once in a while I'm rolling down the freeway and I see a tow truck guy changing a tire. He's down on his knees, working hard. Then off to the side I see another man standing there on his cell phone talking away and this irritates me to no end. The car obviously belongs to cell phone guy, but he's too good to change his tire? It makes me want to grab him by his livestrong (aka What Would Lance Armstrong Do?) bracelet and beat him senseless. I mean how does this sound? "Hey sorry I'm late for (insert manly event here) guys... I had a flat tire. But I called Triple A and got it taken care of." I think that not only would you be laughed at... You would be laughed at and kicked out of whatever event you were late for. And in my circle of friends, you might have issues of Cosmopolitan or a box set of sex and the city show up at your house. Your favorite drink will become the appletini, and your nickname may change to something like Shirley or Nancy. And you don't want that... do you? Of course you don't. Don't get me wrong, Triple A is a good service... for ladies who lock their keys in the car, or if your car breaks down on the highway in the middle of nowhere. But in no way should a man call for a flat tire, and then think that bungee jumping trip makes up for it. Jumping off of high ledges with a rope strapped to your ankles isn't manly... It's stupid.

2. Slap or allow yourself to get slapped by another man: If you are out and some nonsense escalates to the "lets go outside" stage, don't make things worse by slapping the other party. It's just not a good idea due to the fact that no man in history of men has ever been okay with being slapped. As a matter of fact in days long ago, slapping another man meant a duel was taking place. Do understand the seriousness that was placed on slapping another man? You couldn't slap another guy and then expect to casually stroll home. If you slapped another man, one of you had to die. I say we bring that back.

3. Teabagging: Seriously... do I even need to talk about this one? You just shouldn't do it. Out of respect for the ladies I won't get too graphic, but I will say this. We as men are homophobic by nature. Unless sports is involved, we avoid male to male contact like it is the plague. I mean even the man hug has been documented and posted on youtube. So why is it that when a guy passes out, we do something completely unnatural like teabagging? It's like you're saying, it's only wrong and gross, unless the other guy is unconscious. And to make matters worse, some guys even take pictures to document the event. How would you feel if 30 years from now, your kids stumble across a picture of dad and his frat brothers teabagging the Delta pledges during rush week? Please just quit it.

4. Hold a purse: Here's the scenario. You and the lady friend are out because she is shopping for everything but the thing you came to the store for. She finds some shirts (even though you came for pants) and wants to try them on. Before she heads into the dressing room she turns to you and says, "Can you hold my purse?" STOP!!! IT'S A TRAP!!! Before reach out your hand know two things. One is that she is marking her territory, letting the other women know that you are her property. The other thing is that she is testing you... seeing how much she can get away with. One day you're holding purses, and then before you know it you and the girlfriend are spending weekends at Crate and Barrel or Ikea picking out furniture and dishes for the imaginary house she's decorating in her mind. So if she hands you the purse just do what I do and put it at your feet. No one will steal it, and you know exactly where it is until she comes back. Or continue to hold it and have your life end up like this guy.

I've got more and can go for days... but I think this is a solid list to start. If you have one please leave a comment, or drop me a line elsewhere and let me know.