While Remixing, Carefully Add Vampires

I remember sitting in a class in San Francisco back in 2003, when my teacher, a man by the name of Alan Kaufman (he's legit, you should Google him), told me and my fellow students that there were no more original stories left to tell. That as of now, we have officially entered P. Diddy territory. (For those of you that don't get the joke, Sean Combs, a.k.a. "P. Diddy", does not make original songs. He just makes remixes.) Back then I didn't agree, but as I have gotten older now, I have begun to see his point.

All the awesome topics have pretty much been covered since Moses was in diapers. There are the biggies... You know love, betrayal, death, and revenge. Every great story has had at least one of those, and if not more. Then came the seven deadly sins: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. And I assume that writers everywhere were like, "These are great! Let's write about these now!!!" And they have, continuously, and for a while life was good....

But now? Now to me, it just seems like writing a book has become the equivalent of mad libs. Don't believe me? Here is an example of what I mean. Greek Mythology has the story of Helena and Paris. Their forbidden love leads to the Trojan War, and people die. Fast forward a few millennia, and a guy named William Shakespeare writes a story called Romeo and Juliet. Their forbidden love almost causes a war, and people die. Then James Cameron makes Avatar, where a crippled human falls in love with a blue, cat-faced, space indian. Their forbidden love causes a war so bad that for the better part of an hour, many people on both sides die.

I know what you're thinking, " Come on Bobby, aren't you being just a little bit over dramatic?" And you know what, that is a fair question. Allow me to respond to that with a well thought out response. NO! You fail to realize, that I have left out Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, and Tony and Maria. No matter who you plug into the algebraic equation, forbidden love always adds up to people dying.

Then some lady named Stephanie Meyer writes the same story, using (wait for it....) vampires, and everybody goes nuts. And while I'm on the subject of Stephanie Meyer books, it all just seems goofy. I've never read any of her work, but it's like Romeo and Juliet met Underworld and Van Helsing for a three way T.L.C. match. That stands for Tables, Ladders, & Chairs for those of you who aren't wrestling aficionados. (YouTube it... It's good fun.) Sorry, back on point. It's like those three met in a T.L.C. match and the only winners were girls ages 13-25, but everyone else lost.

Now the smart ones are realizing that this blog was about my severe hatred of the Twilight series, and to that I say, "So what! I'm not the only one..." I firmly believe that this comic wraps up my case quite nicely, and with that the prosecution rests. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and rework the ending to TR-1 and Ragnuk. It's my story of a robot and an alien who forge a forbidden romance amidst a zombie infestation on a remote space station.

P.S.: I know this is barely on the subject, but if someone in your family/friend/ fave 5 circle engages in a forbidden romance, do yourself a favor and just start running. Don't ask why, just do it. That way, when the dust settles and your still alive, you can shoot me an email thanking me for my advice. I'm not gonna even charge you for this little nugget of wisdom, you all can have it for free. Don't say I never gave you anything...