Why my mind probably shouldn't be left alone

Every once in a while I am left unsupervised and to my own devices. And in these times it is when I do my best thinking. I wish I could say that the things I think up will somehow benefit mankind, but anyone who knows me can tell you that just isn't my style. I mean who else could come up with The Action Extreme Stunt Wedding? (Don't Ask...) 

And I really feel bad for my girlfriend Linda. Because on Sunday like all girls do, she asked the ill-fated question, "What's on your mind?" Normally, I shrug her off but yesterday I actually told her the answer to her question. I looked her in the eye and with an absolutely straight face, I said these words, "Linda... I want to be a pirate."

Linda laughed at me.  Which is something she often does because rarely do I ever say anything serious. But this time there are legitimate grounds for her fits of giggling. The reason this sounds preposterous is for two reasons: one is that you can't realistically make any kind of money being a pirate nowadays, and the other is I am deathly afraid of water. 

I won't get into why I'm afraid of water, because that is an entirely different story altogether. I will say however that it involves me, my good buddy Jimbo, a hollowed out tree trunk, a river in the Philippines, and a monsoon.  It doesn't take an iron chef to realize that this is a recipe for disaster. But just know that me and bodies of water bigger than a jacuzzi don't mesh well together.

I admit that with all my free time lately I have seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies like a thousand times. But I want to be a pirate. How can you not though? With all the sword fighting, raiding, plundering, and just flat out shameless chasing of women. It would have been glorious. Although I would have taken care of my teeth. 

I would have been a great pirate, I think I still would be. Not all the time mind you, but I think just for like a week or two. I guess what I want is a pirate fantasy camp. How great would that be? Two weeks of sailing around, engaging in epic sea battles, sword fights, and rolling into a port and then laying siege to the town. Is there anything more rugged and manly? 

I say there isn't. Linda disagrees. But until I can live out my dream of being a pirate, I will be living vicariously through my role model Captain Barbosa.