Stevie Wonder Was Right, There Really Ain't No Use....

Emergency Man Meeting! I had to call this one, because I just was so under appreciated as both a man and a boyfriend I had to share my profound realization. I have concluded that there is no way to please women. The story I am about to tell you is true. But before I go into it, here's some back story. The Girlfriend has a table in her class that the two of her sumo wrestler students broke. So for a day and a half she talked about how sad she was that she had no table.

Now that you have been caught up, story time starts now. But to get the full scope of the epicness that was last night, I'm bringing it to you Jack Bauer style.

7:45PM- I get a call from The Girlfriend telling me that if she doesn't get a new ikea table before 9:15, she's going to kill my goldfish. There is only one ikea in the west bay and it is in Palo Alto and closes at 9:00PM. I don't actually own a goldfish, but my dad once told me it's not a good idea to argue with women or crazy people. So I agree because I don't want harm to come to Goldie...

After leaving my office building, I run to my car which I seem to have conveniently parked at the summit of a hill with the elevation of Half Dome. Needless to say, my calves are on fire.

8:00PM- I am in the car and flying down the 101 freeway. Apparently at this time every Tuesday night they hold a competition to see who can drive the 18 wheelers the slowest. Somehow I feel this does not bode well for Goldie. Doom was just about setting in, when the 18 wheeler in the center lane dies of sheer boredom, and bows out, leaving me with a clear lane. I stepped on the gas, and roared down the highway.

8:12PM- In San Mateo I see a van that is overturned in a ditch. I pul out my phone to call 911, but the battery is dead. I didn't want to stop, as any delay could spell doom for my precious Goldie. But how do you not help? I pull up, I see that they are a bunch of orphans from Oregon on their way to Disneyland. The door is stuck and they can't get out. So I grabbed a softball bat from the trunk and broke out a window. Then the van catches on fire. So now I have flaming van full of orphans to save.... Did I mention that they were also battling some serious illness? Because they were.

8:21PM- Managed to pull all everyone out of the van. You probably didn't even hear this took place because you were all watching Glee...

8:35PM- I make it to ikea.... Oh how I hate this place. Question for ikea... Why do you sell some things online, but not others? I would never have to set foot inside your wretched doors again if you would just put all your junk on sale on the internet. And you nordic guys may know how to design furniture, but your store layout and design skills are highly suspect. Despite the one way flow, everybody always seems to get lost. By the way, what is it about this place that makes people impossible to find? I saw a 5 year old hiding in a large basket of face shaped pillows while his mom stood directly in front of him, and called for him while looking in his direction for nearly 10 minutes. Total madness... GPS your kids people.

8:37PM- In the door and wandering around aimlessly. Finally found what I'm looking for after taking several "shortcuts." I'm pretty sure one of the short cuts took me back out to my car.

8:39PM- Grabbed my basket thing from downstairs. Note to ikea... don't make every wheel on the cart turn independently. Unless you like people looking like great danes on freshly waxed floors. Where was I? Oh yeah cart. Got it, pushing towards the item I want, when I'm cut off by somebody's grandma. She's gunning for the table. The last table. My table... So using my superior speed I pull neck and neck with her, and I then proceed to bump her. She got loose and ended up crashing into a baby hamper. Looking back, I'm not proud of what I did, but nothing is off limits when it comes to Goldie. I pick up the table and put it into my cart.

This brings me to something else. Did you know ikea has secret police? No? Well they do. They also have rules that are secret like 95% of In n Out's menu. You break these rules, and they come rappelling from the ceiling like Colin Farrell and L.L. Cool J. And much to my surprise, they don't take kindly to you sideswiping old ladies no matter how bad they deserve it. So now I'm running from the ikea police and have no idea how to get out.

8:45PM- In my attempt to evade ikea pd, somehow I have ended up back upstairs and am now hiding from them in a giant basket of face shaped pillows... Don't ask.

8:57PM- I make it to the check out line. The good news is ikea pd's jurisdiction ends and the check out lines. But the bad news is their lines are really long. For some reason, the store is a ghost town, but the lines to leave look like the Jews leaving Egypt. I'm pretty sure I saw a couple of goats.

9:25PM- I leave ikea.... Told you the line was long.

9:13PM- No this is not a typo. I have traveled back in time, to arrive at The Girlfriend's house with minutes to spare. I'm so thankful I paid extra for that flux capacitor thing. The only problem is I can only use it once. I sure hope I used it wisely. I grabbed all the parts to the table out of the car and run to her door.

9:14:59PM- I knock on the door. I'm standing there breathless but happy because I know that my Goldie is going to survive. The door opens and standing there is The Girlfriend. She takes one look at the green table I'm holding and says, "You know my table is blue right?"