I'm all man baby... yeah!

Being a guy is awesome! I am so glad I am a guy. I love being a guy so much that if given the choice to live forever as a woman or live the next 2o minutes as a guy, I'm picking guy every time. I can see it coming already. Women pouring out from everywhere saying things like, "Bobby you're so sexist. How can you say such horrible things?" Well let me think... It's easy. I have some examples, and if you allow me, I would love to share them with you. And don't worry, I'll stay away from the obviously gross things.

#1. It is okay for men to be hairy: I have hair covering the majority of my body, and so does every other human being on earth. In certain situations, my five o'clock shadow actually makes me more attractive. Not so with a woman. I have never been out and heard a guy say, "Dude... check out the chick with the stubble... now that's hot." And you know what? You never will. So while you pluck and wax every 15 minutes, I'm the exact opposite. I'm trying to revert to caveman days.

#2. Men don't give birth: This one will be controversial, I just know it. I'm not bashing childbirth, I'm just glad I don't have to do it. Motherhood does not look like any fun at all. You spend a few weeks puking your guts out, and craving the strangest possible food combinations. You make it through that phase, only to get bigger and wider. It becomes harder to walk and everything on you hurts. And at the conclusion of it all comes massive amounts of pain for prolonged periods of time... And that's it. Women spend nearly a year incubating a baby that genetically is half of a booger flicking, fart lighting goon. And heaven forbid if it is a boy, because you are introducing into the world another booger flicking savage... and someone else who will never fully understand you and your kind. But if its a girl, their formative years will be spent hating you and loving us... So enjoy those nine months full of weight gain, constant bathroom runs, morning sickness, stretch marks, and labor pains. Me and my fellow men will be over here high five-ing each other, thankful that we aren't you.

#3. It takes us no more than twenty minutes to get ready for anything: Women take forever to get ready to go anywhere. It takes an hour to decide what pair of yoga pants you want to wear to the grocery store. Why is that? Is it in case there is some cute guy in the produce section you want to look like you aren't superficial without looking homeless? Think I'm overreacting? Here is an example. The girlfriend was student teaching at a school no more than five minutes from her house. She told me she was tired from waking up at 5:45 every morning... but school started at 7:30 am. I asked her why she was getting up so early, and her response was, "To get ready." Huh? Any guy working ten minutes away from his house is waking up maybe 45 minutes before he needs to be at work... An hour if he actually plans on ironing his clothes beforehand.

#4. You are too emotional: Why is this? The roller coaster that is your emotional range is too much for me. It is so back and forth, so up and down that sometimes I feel I need to take a Dramamine just to keep from getting sea sick. I have never in my life had a moment where I just needed to cry. My day doesn't hinge on my emotional well-being. I have never had a fat day, or been upset when someone else has on the exact same outfit as I do. If that ever happens, I would calmly walk over and congratulate him on his superior sense of style. And the timing of these emotional issues is uncanny. It never fails that your emotional breakdown happens right in the middle of any major sporting event, or when your man is at his most relaxed. It's like the female brain senses these things and sends out chemicals that completely throw everything out of whack. So the next time this happens could you do us two favors? First wait until said game or nap is over... and if you can't just sit and wait and need to move, do it in another room. Because it's really hard to ignore your pacing and sighing no matter how much we try.

So yeah that's just a few of the reasons it is way better to be a man. But even though I consider it to be a gift, there are serious drawbacks as well. The girlfriend barring any major accidents will probably outlive me. But that is okay... because as the wise bards known as Def Leppard say, "It's better to burn out... than fade away."